I was unhappy. I was reading Derek Sivers’ book Anything You Want which is, I think, a collection of his blog posts, as many books these days are. It was telling me how to run my business. It was telling me I was wrong and I needed to be right. Reminding me of all the things I’d said I’d do about business, but hadn’t and didn’t really want to. Reading Derek Sivers’ book made me unhappy. :-(
There’s a pretty girl I know. She sometimes likes to spend time with me and she makes it obvious. I like that. She sometimes seems to not want to spend any time with me, but I think she wants me to make effort and pay dues. Hard to get, that’s the name of this game, I think. (And yes, I found a site with a 4-point blog tutorial for girls about this :-( and I think that is very sad indeed.) Sigh.
So I asked her to go somewhere with me—the pretty girl referenced above—and she refused with some lame excuse, but refused “politely”. (To refuse politely is to lie about the real reason you’re refusing, if you didn’t know.) So I was unhappy about that as well.
I met one of my ex-girlfriends for lunch a few Friday’s ago and it was great. So we’ve been Whatsapping a bit since. She accused me of not remembering why we broke up. She was right, I had forgotten. (It get’s that way, I think, after a few years.) So she reminded me. The reasons were even more acute, more present, now than when we broke up. But we’d always had a good time together, when we were together.
So I suggested a way we could be together and solve our main problem. Just a suggestion. Exploring possibilities. But I was dead serious. She hasn’t responed and I think she’s hurt at the thought that I may be playing around with her. I think she’s hurting, and I think it’s because she thinks this is “just another one of life’s cruel hoaxes”. I’m not, but I know the feeling. All of this made me intensely unhappy.
I mean really unhappy. Tired-of-being-alive level unhappy.
When I’m that unhappy I shouldn’t make decisions, but when I do…
I thought about these things bothering me. The ex-girlfriend. The pretty girl. I called my sister. We chatted and she depressed me further.
And I thought—This thing with the pretty girl will never go well. I’m lucky to have found out before we started dating or anything. She’s pretty but I’m going to save her future misery and abandon pursuit. NOW. Right now.
The ex is an ex for a reason. The reason hasn’t gone anywhere. I’ll save her the journey of us trying and failing again because it’s a big world and we can find better partners. That is all.
What else was there? Sivers and improving my life. OK I’ll look into these things I know I should improve. Maybe I’ll change some things around. Sheesh, such pressure, this life, I complained to myself.
Did I feel better? No.
Just firmly resolved to follow my new policies on these issues making me unhappy. The policies will reduce future grief for me a bit. But what about current misery? What about wanting to stop living right now?
Bear with me. In the bible there’s this guy Elijah from Tishbe .I always like how it says he’s from Tishbe…
Elijah from Tishbe has done some big job for G-d, and done it 100% successfully. Now in the post-excitement anticlimax, he receives a death threat. So he retreats into the desert alone. And he sits under a tree and says to G-d that he’s had enough and he’d like to die.
When I first read this story, I laughed out loud.
This great hero, just tired and fed up, says basically “OK, that’s it. That’s good. Can I die now please?”
But this kind of thing can happen to anyone. I sometimes get this way and I say, “Oh, I’m just going through Elijah’s problem. I just need some food and some rest and I’ll be back to good form.” (The times I get to feeling this way, a lot of it is about low blood sugar. I haven’t eaten enough, I’ve been obsessing with something. I haven’t had enough sleep. I can always tell, because, like Elijah, I get tired of living. Ever happen to you? No?)
Favourite places and things
So getting back to me feeling miserable (and my, my, my, was I feeling miserable?) I figured what I’d do is drop everything and go to my favourite place to do my favourite thing.
Up until that moment I didn’t know I had a favourite place or thing. Do you have a favourite place to go, a favourite thing to do? I found out I have both.
My favourite place to go is to the food court at a mall near where I live. It’s nondescript. Not a popular spot (’cause the mall has 4-5 popular cafés). It’s bland. Molded plastic chairs in neon colours if you can picture that. My fav thing to do is to sit in one of these neon chairs and drink a cup of spiced tea, or a mocha, from this one vendor and watch people. And think. Think whatever.
And suddenly at the thought of going to my fav place to do my fav thing, my want-to-not-be-alive level bout of misery—likely brought on by fatigue—was bearable.
And I was astounded at how useful and comforting a fav place and thing can be.
So, did the fav place and thing improve my mood. It absolutely transformed it. I was fine after my mocha or whatever. I almost couldn’t remember what the issues were.
And here’s a video >
Bom dia, e boa sorte.